Staying Present is Always a Battle

It isn't often in your preteen years that you hold my hand, but when you do reach for my hand and slide your warm palm against mine curling your little fingers to hold tight, I get a catch in my throat. All the world, stands still for that second, and it's just me and you. And then my mind flashes to the past as I notice how big your hand now is in mine, how little it used to be, how you are almost as tall as me. And then my mind spins to the future, and I wonder how many more times you will slide your hand in mine and I feel desperate to hang on to this forever.

Two days ago you asked me to pick you up at the bus stop instead of letting you walk home by yourself. I worried maybe you were being picked on.  But when I got there to pick you up, you were content, just fine, hanging with your friends. You just wanted my company, to take the walk home with me.  We walked and you talked and I listened and you played as you walked and I asked you to catch up. This is my life, right now, in this moment.

Last night you asked me to snuggle. I laid down beside you and hummed the songs I used to when you were little. You laid quietly beside me with your hand on my arm while I looked at your sweet face. Your breath was relaxed and slow and your eyes blinked in quiet meditation, listening to the sound of my voice. Softly you said, "I love you, mom. Always and forever." Again, I tried to ground myself in the present, thinking, never forget this moment. But my monkey mind, drifted a few seconds later to "will you remember this when you are a teenager?" and "will you call me when you are all grown up?" and on and on and on I pull my mind from these thoughts of the future and bring them back to the present. I felt the warmth of your hand, I ran my hand through your hair, I kissed you goodnight, and I told you I love you too. Always and forever.

Presence in the moment is always a battle. Letting go of the past and releasing fear of the future is a war of the mind. Fight that war every chance you get my little man. And remember as you fight the war, mama loved you then, she loves you now, and she always will.