Lately I have been failing at parenting. I am too bossy. Too demanding. Too harsh. Too annoying. I say the wrong things at all the wrong times. I cuss too much. And I am a terrible cook. I mean, you won't touch a thing I make without pretending you will vomit.
Those are all the reasons you would say I am failing at parenting. But why do I feel like I am failing at parenting? I mean, you make it to school on time. I make you healthy home cooked meals. You have clean clothes, a clean house, I make you sit in your booster seat in a seat belt. I provide you with after school activities and I help you manage your time. I attend your parent teacher conferences and work with the teacher to make sure your days are as smooth as possible. I have taken you to see things most adults in their lifetimes don't get to see. So why do I feel like I am failing?
I am too busy. Too busy struggling with self worth. Struggling with time management. In this moment, struggling with time management, because I shouldn't be writing to clear my head or writing for fun. I should be writing my research paper. Or making a healthy meal cooked from scratch that neither you nor I really want to eat. Or should be working out this increasingly chubby body. I am in a period of struggling with self-love. I am struggling with being present. I'm struggling with finding my own words and my creativity. I am struggling with negative self talk. I am giving too much of myself to other people. I am going in too many directions, following too many leads, in hopes that I will find success and not failure. I am struggling with everything I teach my clients day in and day out. I am struggling with feeling like a hypocrite.
I worry. I worry that the only thing you will remember about me and your childhood is that I was an overbearing nag who was always screaming at you to get off the XBOX and do something productive with your life. I worry that you won't remember all the times that I tried to say the right thing or do the right thing at the right time. I worry that you won't remember all the times I was loving and compassionate, yet firm in my parenting. Or that you won't remember me trying so hard to wear all the hats of a successful woman, a loving wife, a thoughtful friend, a devoted mother, a good daughter. I worry that you will grow up being someone I never wanted you to be and that it will be because I wasn't good enough.
So if you were a parent feeling these things, and one day I am sure you will be, what would I say to you? What advice would I give?
Well, first I'd tell you to read this damn blog. Life's too short to get all caught up in perfection. Just do you. I'd tell you to meditate or pray, to be in the moment and breath. I'd tell you that you are in control of your behavior. And that you can make good choices with that level head of yours. Sometimes those choices might lead to failure, but you will for sure have learned a lesson in the process and for that it will be worth the shot. I'd tell you that the only things worth having in life take hard work and dedication. That nothing good in life comes easy. I'd say that you have the power to change whatever needs changing. That you are worthy and you are loved, but you must love yourself before you know how lovable you are. I'd tell you that you are beautiful inside and out and that you can be anyone you want to be. Being anyone you want to be won't come easy, but the path there, is all worth it. The journey to the destination is the good stuff. The journey is life. So make the journey yours, make it colorful, make it fun, be present in the good and the bad, fill it with joyful moments, and take those really big mistakes and roll with them. Turn the bad into good. Because in the end, it's all good. It's all lessons learned and it all makes you who you are. Believe in the journey. Believe in yourself, because this too shall pass.
No comments:
Post a Comment