Being Sick is No Fun

I remember this Sesame Street book I used to read you about Big Bird being ill and he said the line, "Being sick is no fun."  It's not fun, trust me I'm sick now, but you can find some humor in it. 

I'm currently on a stay-cation thanks to COVID.  Three years post COVID quarantine March 2020 and my first absolute positive case with it, pretty good if you ask me.  I'm pretty sure you were patient zero.  This might be the 4th or 5th time you have been sick this year and I give it all thanks to your inability to put your mouthpiece in it's case instead of your pocket and to wash your hands before you take it out at the very least. But I digress. Once again, I can not tell you anything. You are a God that knows all things and defies the odds of germs.  

So as I am on stay-cation on day 6 of feeling like an absolute "bag of dicks."  I tell people this when they ask, turns out my humor is still in tact, despite my clogged face and burning fire in my nose. Since my sense of humor is still in tact, I'd like to share a recent story of one of your illnesses.  You had been complaining of a burning stomach whenever you drank water or ate food.  For days you complained and even woke us up in the middle of the night and slept in our bed.  You hated to do it, but you reverted to childhood for a moment and said, "screw it." We finally took you to the pediatrician, quite certain you had an ulcer.  The new pediatrician, didn't agree. But he just wanted it to "run it's course."  I've heard that song and dance before and after 2 weeks of you vomiting a torturous smelling concoction each night, we learned a mom's intuition was right. You had giardia.  Well this time around, I wasn't going for it. So I asked him to do a stool culture and test you for H pylori.  He conceded to do both. You were negative for H Pylori in the end, but positive for norovirus.  It ran it's course in a few more days and luckily none of us got it or if we did it was mild.  

But the best part of this story was your reaction to the test. Unlike the "old" days where you had to poop in a bin, place it into a concoction within a tube, and send it off; now you just get a butt swab.  I got to enjoy your face when the doctor quietly says under his breath that the test was an anal swab.  He leaves the room to get the nurse, because this man went to God Blessed school for too damn long to degrade himself to anal swabbing.  So he takes his laptop and bids us good day.  As the nurse comes, who apparently gets paid just well enough to stick a swab up someone's ass, says without making eye contact with 15 year old Gavin, "I'm here to do your culture by taking this swab and inserting it into your rectum."

Anal and rectum- two words one loves to hear in a doctor visit with your mom in the room.  Gavin says, "How big is the swab, can I see it? And how far in does it go?"  The nurse shows him the q-tip size end and shows just a few centimeters on the swab.  She asks if it's ok if I stay in the room because otherwise she must get another nurse.  Wouldn't want anyone getting handsy with a minor in the pediatricians office now.  He replies, "it's fine."  Boy, I do not want to see this anymore than you do.

She gently tells him how to lay on his side and lift a knee to his belly after removing his pants. He starts to literally kneel and lift a knee like he is going to climb the wall. His ears clearly weren't hearing directions he was so nervous.  I use my classic sense of humor to tell him, "Take a knee boy."  He doesn't appreciate it now, but I'm sure he will when he reads this later in life. 

Within seconds it's all over. The nurse tells him she is done and the tests will be back in a few days.  She leaves and Gavin says, "Mom, I don't know how people are gay!"  I literally laughed my way out of the office.  Thanks for the smile boy. You have good humor too just like your mama.