Abusive Relationship

 

Jim Gaffigan, a comedian does a joke about being treated horribly by his kids. If he were to tell his therapist that he lives with someone who spends all his money, eats all his food, and when asked to do anything they yell at him, the therapist would say, that's abuse. I love that joke. It always hits home. And if I didn't laugh, I'd cry.  

There have been many times in life I have been so mad at you I see red. I’m not a stranger to that feeling. Today, I rearranged my schedule to spend the afternoon with you. I was looking forward to it. But silly me, I had an expectation that it would go one way, and it went south before we even left the house.  Reality rarely meets expectation.

Today I was not only angry with you, but hurt. Hurt when I made you lunch, and you walked away to eat it alone in your room after I asked you to eat with me. Hurt when I tried explaining something to you and you slow blinked at me to show me your annoyance.  Hurt again, when you look at me in the eye and tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. Hurt that it’s a beautiful day and you’d rather stay in your room in the dark on your games than walk with me, talk with me, or be with me. 

If I was sitting with a client and she was telling me about this man who was treating her this way, I would tell her this was an abusive relationship, and she deserved to be treated better. I would tell her she should consider couples counseling or to even leaving this relationship to work on her own self-worth and value as a person who deserves to be treated with respect.  

But alas, I can’t leave. Because I am your mother. And moms aren’t supposed to leave. Moms are supposed to be there for their kids every fuck up, just as they are there for every medal, award, and honor. We don’t get to leave when the going gets tough.  I won’t leave you and I won’t tell you I don’t love you or wish you ill. 

But for today, I will let you figure your own shit out. I will walk away from the abuse and spend the day in nature, healing the hurt and softening the anger, and I will give myself space to breathe and be, reflect and repair my heart.  I won’t love you less, but I will give myself time to sort it all out and move on.

I hope you never treat another woman the way that you treat me. I hope you look at her with the kindness and respect she deserves for putting up with all of your shit. I hope you tell her you are sorry and make it better through your actions. I hope you hold yourself accountable to your behavior. And I hope one day you look at me in the eye and tell me you are sorry for being a giant pain in my ass for so many years. But mostly, I hope that all the hurt in our relationship through the years can be healed.