God's Plan

Gavin-- this writing is for you to read many many, moons from now. It is a painful story, but holds amazing life lessons. 

On January 9, 2014 I witnessed the worst thing my eyes have seen in my 33 years. I was traveling back from Atlanta dropping my parents off at the airport. Luckily you were not in the car with me. Ahead of me on the other side of the interstate I saw smoke. I thought a semi must have blown a tire. Then I saw a car flipping over and over down the interstate, like a stunt car in a movie. As I tried to comprehend what I was seeing I wondered if someone had hit another car or the guard rail and rolled the car. When I peaked the hill I had slowed enough to watch the cars near me in my lanes. In my peripheral vision, I saw something flying when I looked over at that instant I saw a woman land on the pavement in front of her car which crossed over the white line of the two lanes on her side of the interstate. My mind held onto this image at around 60 miles an hour, like my brain had taken a slow motion action shot. I literally felt like time had stopped around me and this woman and I were the only two on the planet. I was on the phone with my friend, Michelle when it happened. It was obvious I couldn't stop without getting myself hurt crossing over to her. Not to mention the cars approaching her on her side at high speed. I knew that a number of people behind her on the interstate saw and called 911. I prayed and prayed for her and that I was making the right decision in leaving her there. Michelle talked to me the next 50 miles until I got home. I was afraid if I stopped the car I would be in no shape to drive home. I wondered if she was alone in the car, why wasn't she wearing her seat belt, why did she wreck, did anyone else crash into her? Was she dead? Is there anything I could do for her? 

Shannon came home from work early. He talked to me about his experience with seeing things he shouldn't have seen. How to cope. He gave me great advice. He always has the best advice. You may not know it in your teen years, but he's a smart man, your dad. And I'm a smart lady for marrying him! I also went to see a priest that day. Outside of confession, it's only the second time in my life I felt the need to talk to a priest. All day long I held that image in my head, replaying it like a broken record. Your dad looked up the news on the internet and found out she died on impact. She was alone in the car and no one else was hurt despite her location in the middle of the road. She was coming home from work, they think her tire blew and she over steered rolling the car. Her car was older and prob didn't have safety features. 

I saw her soul leave her body that day. I do not know if anyone else saw her like I did. She was right next to me, my brain, like a rearview mirror, making her appear closer than she probably was, and I was there when she left this earth. I can see her as clear as day. When I asked your dad why I had to look, of all the times I avoid looking at car crashes, I looked. He assuredly said, "You looked and therefore, she wasn't alone." Reassuring words. 

I graduated from yoga school just 4 days prior to this accident with a goal to eventually teach yoga to military families with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Shannon made it a point to tell me that with this experience I can now teach these families, truly understanding, what PTSD feels like for those men and women in the military. To see things no one should ever have to see. The priest drove this home saying that I needed to turn the negative into a positive. I felt the need to say to God, "I hear you. I'll do my best."

We are all so blessed. You, my dear, are more blessed than you know. You were one of the greatest gifts God has given me. You mean the world to me. You have made an impact on my life that is forever imprinted on my heart. I love you, for who you are, for who God created you to be. You are amazing and capable of so much good. Only God can explain our experiences in life, but each and every one leads up to this moment, making you, who you are today. 

It's only been a week since this incident and I've been sorting through my thoughts on the matter. There are three lessons I learned and mass today drove it all home. The first purpose or lesson in life is to know God. Life is short and so very unexpected and only He knows the plans He has for us.  In reality, we have no idea when our last day will come and living in the present moment is all we can do to make each day worth it. Hug your loved ones even when your angry. Feel the air on your skin when you do a mundane daily task like going to get the mail or take out the trash. Smell the food you are cooking and feel the texture of each piece that creates your edible masterpiece. Each day is a gift. Each moment.

The second lesson is to serve God and know that every trial, every suffering in your life was placed there by Him in a divine master plan that you will never entirely understand in this life. He hands us gifts each and everyday. Gifts disguised as sufferings placed in your life for you to learn something. We were all given a divine purpose in this life, each of us given gifts entirely individual to our being and no one else's. Some of us fear so much that we never see the gifts right in front of our eyes. Some of us know our gifts and fear the future so much that we retain them for our own and never share them with the world. Others feel that they are entitled to the best, that they are deserving of living a life with little work and no suffering and those people never work hard enough to find the gift at their very fingertips. You, son, are so very gifted and I pray that you find those things that God gives you to share with the world.

The third lesson is to love God. To love each and every human being that is made from God. Smile at a stranger, compliment an acquaintance, and let each and every person in your life know how much they mean to you. Forgive everyone and hold no grudges. Your anger and resentment towards others only holds you captive, imprisoned in your own heart. Send love and prayers out to each and every person you encounter and maybe even those you don't encounter. I knew nothing about this woman, but I ached for her and her family, and I sent all the love to her I possibly could and to each and every person that witnessed her accident and to her family and friends that would suffer her loss. 

I am taking a painful experience, the gift God gave me that day, to grow deeper in love for those that I know and those that I never will.  

I pray you go through your days knowing, serving, and loving God. Have faith that He knows what's best for you and hope that you will fulfill His purpose for you while on this earth. 

I'll love you forever, for always, and everywhere,
Mom