I am particularly fearful as you'll probably remember when you get older, your mom, always talking about the "what if's" and being fearful of this and that. It's one of my weaknesses that I wish I had under better control before you were born, but after you were born it only seemed to get worse. Now I had someone else in my responsibility to be fearful for.
But one thing I hope to have taught you, that I hope you learned through my behavior, was that we may never conquer our fears but we can look them in the eye and with faith, drive head on into them. Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”
Looking my fears face on has made me feel more in control, more self-confident, and purely happy, full of gratitude. As you got older and your dad was around more I wanted more for myself. I had a desire to become a yoga instructor. Not everything about it was what I wanted, but I did it anyway. I was terrified of speaking in front of others and being the center of attention. My fight or flight response, just thinking about it would send my heart into flutter and give me hives, but I did it anyways.
I graduated and I left my school and pursued a job elsewhere, and everything fell into place just as God intended. And I was okay and I loved it. I had the opportunity to see the dreadful car accident and to review how the frequent deployments when you were little broke little pieces of me inside, and that is okay too. Those fearful and hurtful experiences changed something inside of me so that I could grow to understand my place in this world.
And my goals changed and refined themselves into me wanting to help others with Post Traumatic Stress and God let everything again fall into place. I currently am going through Ayurvedic yoga training, a very healing type of yoga, and last weekend endured learning how to teach yoga to people with post-traumatic stress, traumatic brain injury, and amputees at Yoga Warrior International training.
It was an eye-opening experience. Some of my biggest fears looked me straight in the face for this opportunity to happen. I traveled by car, alone back down the same road I saw the car accident, I entered a giant city at night. Six lanes of traffic bumper to bumper in the dark. Me and GPS and skyscrapers and so many cars all in a hurry to get nowhere important. I made it to my downtown Atlanta hotel in one piece and checked in alone.
The next morning, I drove to training with a bunch of strangers in a strange place. I talked to people I'd only met and I had to introduce myself, which I fear doing to this day. The next day I had to teach to these other teachers and I still feared. And at the end of the weekend, I drove home again through the city and back past the accident site, and home. As I neared home, I felt exhilarated. I had fear the entire time, but I did it anyway. Psalm 27:1-14 "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock."
With Him as my stronghold, I looked forward into my fears with confidence and asked for His help, saw around me the beauty and freedom of living to my fullest potential, and He answered my prayers and looked upon me with love and showed me the way, and again lifts me high upon His rock far above my fears and into peace. For that I am grateful. Through my experiences and my faith, I will help others manage their fears as I daily manage my own.
So Gavin, if you learn anything from your mom about her fearfulness, learn this: Fear may be natural thanks to the fall of Adam and Eve, but you don't have to let it control you or keep you from living the life He intends for you. Be brave, be confident, and from Isaiah 43:2-5 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior... Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you... Fear not, for I am with you..."
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